Couple’s Counselling – “I can’t believe it’s come to this and we’re here and we’re in trouble…”

Considering couple’s counselling can bring up a mix of hope, worry, reluctance, and relief. Many partners wonder what it means to invite someone else into the private world of their relationship and whether counselling will be about blame, taking sides, or deciding who is “right.”

In this thoughtful article, Matt Groeneveld, Counselling Therapist, explores what often sits beneath relationship conflict: the longing to be understood, the difficulty of communicating needs clearly, and the possibility of finding connection again with care, curiosity, and support.

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When someone hears their partner say, “I think we need couples counselling,” they may think, “Well, that’s just great. We’re going to have a stranger assess our problems; they’ll probably take their side, and I’ll be the bad one, and I already feel like garbage.”

If you’re the one saying it, even if it’s been on your mind, there might be some incredulity: “I can’t believe it’s come to this and we’re here and we’re in trouble and I didn’t want things to be this way, and what if they can’t change or we can’t fix it and what then?”

It’s never considered lightly.

Some anxiety or ambivalence is expected.

Because it’s your relationship, a world unto itself, at once deeply personal and all-encompassing. A culture with roles, taboos, and unspokens. The day-to-day rhythms of a story are utterly unique and improbable and inexhaustible in detail. We happen to meet… and then… and then… and now…

The unique textures and colours of a relationship through the years, changes, losses, and successes. These are yours, and they are unique.

And yet. If it can be shared, then there will be an opportunity for connection. If it can be expressed, there’s a window for acceptance, tolerance, and empathy. For each other and for your shared humanity; relational difficulties are not alien.

One common area of contention is communication.

Say one person feels rejected because they felt blown off in the morning rush. They become frustrated and disappointed, which triggers past sensitivities. Feeling alone and gloomy leads to behaving sorta not great, withdrawing in short replies and negativity. The other, confused by where this is coming from and tired already from a surprise family visit and a work trip the day before, is hurt because their experiences, successes, and obstacles aren’t being recognized. Feeling small and insignificant, the withdrawal triggers a fix-it muscle that at the moment is inaccessible, never mind exhausting. Fed up and still unable to read the other’s mind, feeling the distance and thinking here-we-go-again, they begin attributing catastrophic meaning to the misdemeanor. Then acting out by insisting they get to the bottom of it. While the other person, by now losing touch with the original offense and having their own experience to contend with, including the same family visit, hears some version of an attack on their character. Trying to be heard, they talk past each other well into the night because that’s the only time they have, and eventually both fall asleep unsatisfied.

And that was just one moment on a Wednesday morning.

Yes, there’s likely more going on behind this exchange. It says nothing of secrets, betrayals, broken promises, unmet needs, lack of affection, finances, parenting, lack of intimacy, addictions, mental health struggles, household labour, personal changes, health challenges, or differing values.

Just two people sharing life unable to recognize what they needed or how to communicate/meet those needs.

Neither party is wrong. They’re both trying in their own way, victims in their own way, and inadvertent perpetrators. We usually don’t intend to hurt the people we care about, but we do sometimes, just as we hurt ourselves.

Therapy for couples can help partners build skills for more effective and efficient communication, slowing down reactions and rebuttals and building curiosity and empathy and therefore connection. And like all skills, it might be hard at first, but it can be learned.

 

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If you and your partner are feeling stuck, disconnected, or unsure how to move through recurring patterns, couple’s counselling can offer a grounded place to slow down, understand what is happening between you, and begin building new ways of relating. Reaching out does not mean your relationship has failed—it may be a meaningful step toward deeper understanding, stronger communication, and renewed connection.

Matt offers complimentary meet-and-greet appointments, giving couples an opportunity to ask questions, get a feel for his approach, and consider whether counselling feels like the right next step.